The Beauty of Grief
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In September of 2016, NBC released a new TV series that would become one of the most watched and loved series on television. It was called “This Is Us.” Maybe you’ve heard of it?
After hearing so many good things about the show from many of my friends, I finally decided to watch it with a close friend of mine. As we watched the series together, we had one conversation that I think I will always remember. I had just made the observation that it was difficult to watch several episodes of the show in a row because each episode is so sad. If you have seen “This Is Us” you know what I mean. What I saw as sad, my friend saw as beautiful. In the grief portrayed on the show, she saw the joy that the pain came from, and the growth it led to. She saw how the characters’ memories of their father demonstrated the profound impact their father had had on their lives. She saw how that relationship shaped who the characters became. With her help, I came to understand why so many people loved the show—it revealed some of the depth, beauty, and complexity of relationships...and of life.
“The deeper the bond, the greater the pain.”
There is so much truth in this statement. When we form deep relationships, when we truly love someone for the person they are, their absence cuts deep. One of the most difficult realities we face in our lives is that almost every deep and meaningful relationship we have in this life will end in grief—whether the grief is something we feel ourselves, or the grief is something we cause others to feel. Why then do we continue to seek close relationships when we already know the outcome? I believe we seek these relationships because this grief is beautiful. The memories we are left with in our grief are the same memories we treasure for the rest of our lives. We are made for deep relationships. We are made for this beautiful grief.
Not only is our grief a recognition of a deep and profound relationship, it is also an invitation to new relationship through compassion. Compassion isn’t simply a feeling of pity or sympathy. Henri Nouwen writes that compassion is truly “to suffer with other persons.” When we show compassion for those grieving, or when someone shows compassion for us, we actually share each other’s pain and grief. This shared grief leads to deep and impactful relationships. These relationships spring forth from our grief.
As we process through our grief and form new relationships through compassion, often we begin to realize how much we have grown mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. The movie “Avengers: Endgame” (***spoiler alert if you haven’t yet seen the movie***) begins with half of all life in the universe having just been destroyed, and the remaining heroes hunting down the one responsible to try to reverse what he did. When they find him, they discover he has just destroyed their only means of reversing the destruction. They then sit in their grief for five years. When hope finally presents itself, many of them realize that while they want to bring back all those who were wiped from existence, they did not want to lose the five years in which they had grown into stronger and more compassionate people. They wanted to keep all five years of pain and grief.
We grow in our grief...it helps to make us who we are. It helps to motivate us and keeps us grounded. It helps to point us towards God, the one we will never lose, and never have to mourn. As Henri Nouwen puts it: